5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
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Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know