I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
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“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”