Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
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I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
i did the math
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
“our sushi is very fresh”
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.