me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
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I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”