*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
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Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
School be like
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes