Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
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That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo