asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
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wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.