[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
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My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Hey i am sexy to you now
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.