Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
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Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Erm…
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN