When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
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WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
i will avenge u mr van gogh
doing some research