I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
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I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”