Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
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Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.