Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
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ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.