I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
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The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Happens to everyone.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Meanwhile in Canada…
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.