If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
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Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.