Meow
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My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
That 👊
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Meow?
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.