We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
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[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life