Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
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COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same