The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.