Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
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i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right