Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
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Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Copy Editor is a rewording career.