If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
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Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
My patience has stretch marks.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.