*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
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He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I need a headline like this
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.