People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
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I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
In case you needed to hear it:
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
crazy
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra