But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
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“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.