Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
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my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
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When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises