*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
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I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.