How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
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Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls