Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
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I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.