Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
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Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Can. I. Help. You.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister