*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
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Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
crochet youtube is brutal
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!