Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 馃槶
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They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I am not emotionally unavailable I鈥檓 trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
REMINDER: It鈥檚 almost March.
Don鈥檛 forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Wife: Let鈥檚 watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You鈥檙e sleeping.
Wife: I鈥檓 not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I鈥檓 here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.馃寧鉂わ笍
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.