My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
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My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
i baked you a cake
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong