My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
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The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you