My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
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I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
We’ve all been there
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.