*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
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People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.