Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
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There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now