Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
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The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up