Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
You Might Also Like
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.