your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
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If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I can fix him.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.