God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
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Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
There is wisdom there.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing