The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
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Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture