Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
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coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES