They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
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The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.