I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
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Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat