yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
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You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.