ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
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Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait