Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
*puts words between two asterisks*
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.