Netflix and scream at our children?!
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give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.