My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
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TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Comparing yourself to others
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I have two kinds of followers
ugh not again
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.